3.27.25 News of the Week
Houthi Group Chat, White Lotus, March Madness Week 2
Don't you just hate a week where the juiciest, messiest thing to happen is coming from the Trump administration? I'd love to focus on celebrity break-ups, but no one even has time to split up right now because they're too busy reading Pete Hegseth's texts about bombing Yemen. Like, if Ethan and Ariana would stop examining US military strategy and start examining what they have in common, then MAYBE I wouldn't have to scrape the bottom of the barrel each week. I feel like freaking Carrie Bradshaw over here, writing things like, "As I watched American democracy fall into an oligarchy, I couldn't help but wonder if I was falling too fast into my relationship with Big."
If you are not aware (jealous), Trump senior officials planned and executed military strikes on Yemen in a group chat. A group chat where they had inadvertently added in The Atlantic editor-in-chief, Jeffery Goldberg. Jefferey stayed in long enough to realize that it wasn't a prank text—these idiots were actually planning a top secret military operation over the secure version of Slack. So, Jeffery ruined lunch and published an article about it in the news publication he runs.
It's so stupid that I can't even comprehend how stupid and bad this is, you know? And then you can't help but think that nothing is going to happen after this massive breach of US security. If I think about it too long, I spiral. And when I called my senator about it, I got cut off on the voicemail because I was talking too long (answer my calls, Josh Hawley).
The only thing to bring me comfort/make me laugh with sadness are some selected quotes from members of the chat regarding Hillary Clinton's emails. Remember when they wouldn't shut the fuck up about that?
[Please read while humming "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan to yourself]
“You most certainly know you shouldn’t be talking about it or passing it on in an email, particularly to a private server like the one she had. What they did is reckless – it’s complete recklessness and incompetence.” - Secretary of State Marco Rubio
"People have gone to jail for 1/100th of what – even 1/1,000th of what Hillary Clinton did.” - Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth
“Biden’s sitting National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan sent Top Secret messages to Hillary Clinton’s private account. And what did DOJ do about it? Not a damn thing,” - National Security Advisor Mike Waltz
"One point that doesn’t get made enough about Hillary’s unsecured server illegally used to conduct state business (obviously created to hide the Clintons’ corrupt pay-for-play): foreign adversaries could easily hack classified ops & intel in real time from other side of the globe.” - White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller
Now back to the pop culture trash you came for.
I would like to speak to Mike White
SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 6 OF WHITE LOTUS
Incest, Michael? INCEST? What are we doing? This isn't Game of Thrones.
On this week's episode of White Lotus, Thailand's Menendez Brothers, Saxon and Lochlan, wake up after a drug fueled night with vague memories of a sexual encounter with French Canadian sugar baby, Chloe.
At first, it seems like Saxon is jerking off next to them but then it's revealed that Lochlan was the one who was actually taking care of his older brother. They both pretend not to remember the night before, with hazy moments coming back to them at different points in the episode. One person who does remember everything? Chloe.
While Saxon is clearly struggling to understand what happened, Chloe reveals that all his memories are accurate and that he really did have a weird threesome with his brother. And honestly, I don't know how you come back from that. Lobotomy and hope they hit the memory center of the brain? Medically induced coma until you wake up in post-apocalyptic America where anything goes?
I've seen and heard multiple takes on this, so I want to examine it from each characters perspective.
Chloe
Chloe is some kind of chaos goblin looking for cheap thrills and money. Her whole life plan seems to be hanging around a guy she thinks could murder her and going as crazy as possible when he's not around. While I might have felt some empathy for Chloe (she's scared of her partner and isolated), the show gives her a foil in Chelsea, who also has a rich partner and likes to have fun, but couples it with true compassion for the people around her.
My money is on Chloe being the person who dies this season, either from her partner, Saxon, or Lochlan killing her (or one of the monkeys—something is not right with those dudes). In seasons 1 and 2, the most predatory people died (excluding Tonya RIP). And right now, Chloe is the biggest predator (drugging people, questionable sexual consent, asking people over for dinner to maybe be killed…the list goes on).
Saxon
Yes, I have heard and understand the argument that Saxon groomed his brother to get to the point where Lochlan thought this is what Saxon wanted. Saxon is overtly sexual with Lochlan all season, asking how and when he jerks off, insisting they share a room, and giving him tips for going after Chloe. Throughout the season, Saxon is in control and has control over his little brother. Losing that control while on molly may be the thing unraveling Saxon the most. If he had just been drunk, I don't think he would have the same meltdown about a threesome with his brother. But Lochlan now has power over him, and what Lochlan does with that information seems to be spinning Saxon out more than anything else.
Lochlan
Where Saxon is soulless and therefore less complex, Lochlan is waffling between morality and becoming something far worse than Saxon. One of my fave TikTok creators, Blakely Thornton has dubbed him a "pre-adult predator," similar to Jamie in Adolescent.
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As Blakely points out, these men are trying to figure out who they should be in Reddit forums instead of learning who they are from real human interactions. They seem quiet and shy, but underneath that, they understand how vile and deplorable humans can be. They've seen the worst the world has to offer on the internet and cannot separate that from their daily interactions with society.
Lochlan's toxic family cannot help him learn right from wrong, and so he's left trying to please them using things he's learned online, in isolation.
For all their sakes, I'm hoping a monkey gets a gun at the dinner party and takes everybody out.
March Madness Update
Tragically for USC, women's sports, and a young player in her prime, Juju Watkins tore her ACL this week, ending her March Madness run and starting a long road to recovery. I think Sue Bird said it best on her podcast. Sue said that while tearing an ACL is a hard thing to recover from, recovery is possible (Sue tore hers around the same time Juju did) and it can shift a young player's mindset. I'm hoping Juju bonces back from this; she's an incredible talent and role model for the sport.
And speaking of role models, Paige Bueckers has been waking up every day before sunrise to make breakfast for her teammate, Jana El Alfy, who is currently fasting for Ramadan. Fasting is incredibly challenging (just look at all the dramatic texts I send every Yom Kippur), but Paige is trying to make it a little easier on her teammate by making sure she doesn't have to do it alone. Other members of the team are now joining in to support Jana too. Makes you think that maybe things aren't that bad. JK, they are, but this is still sweet.
Amy's Got a New Podcast
Amy Poehler started her podcast last week, called "Good Hang with Amy Poehler" and I'm into it. It's genuinely a good hang. The first episode featured Tina Fey who FINALLY said what I have been thinking for years: celebrities need to stop doing so many brands.
I don't need a skincare line from J. Lo and Brad Pitt when I don't know if I've ever seen an unfiltered photo of them. I don't want to try Kendall Jenner's tequila or Kourtney Kardashian's questionable vitamins. WE HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF AS A SOCIETY. WE DO NOT NEED TO KEEP CONSUMING MORE THINGS.
That being said, please subscribe to this Substack.
And enjoy this video of Rachel Dratch struggling to exist in time and space. Relatable.
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That's all for this week. Gonna tell my kids this was the Houthi PC Small Group chat.
XOXO,
Emily