07.03.25 News of The Week

Diddy Verdict, Bezos Wedding, and my The Materialists Review

Diddy Verdict

I love justice in America. You can just buy yourself a better verdict, even when there are literal mountains of baby oil proving that you’re guilty of something disgusting.

Yesterday, Diddy was convicted on two counts of transporting women for prostitution but avoided the more serious racketeering and sex trafficking charges. AKA he’s not going to spend the rest of his life in jail. And here was his reaction to that:

Crazy because that verdict got a very different reaction from me and the women who had to testify against him. I know it’s not illegal to pee in someone’s mouth until they think they’re going to choke to death, but maybe it should be.

The most he could spend in jail is 20 years, but it’s more likely that he’ll get 10 years if the judge allows him to serve concurrently. The only real win from yesterday is that he was denied bail, so he’s staying in prison through his sentencing hearing. And for all you Luigi fans out there, he and Diddy share the same legal team, so there’s hope that Luigi will be out, single, and ready to mingle in 10-20 years too!

Bezos Wedding Recap

By this point, you have to be tired of hearing about the $50 million Bezos-Sanchez wedding that shut down Venice. I know Venetians are! But it was a historic moment in pop culture, mostly because this Vogue cover was probably Anna Wintour’s 13th reason why (the legendary editor-in-chief announced that she is stepping down this week).

Lauren, it seems, is dead set on not only being the richest girl in the world, but being the richest girl who everybody loves.

She was born in New Mexico and had early ambitions of becoming a journalist until getting a late dyslexia diagnosis when she was in college. It was then that she switched to pursuing a career in newscasting. Her dream gig back then was to be on The View. And as someone who watched a lot of The View in my cable-free childhood home, I can tell you that should not be anyone’s dream.

Lauren got a job in LA local news and eventually married power agent Patrick Whitesell, who I have to thank for Ben Affleck’s career. The two led a big life in LA, attending lots of Hollywood parties, including the party for Manchester by the Sea’s Oscar nom where Bezos and Sanchez first met.

Two years after that party, Lauren’s brother sold her out to the Enquirer for having an affair with Jeff. The tabloid ran an 11 page spread on the affair, including text messages between Jeff and Lauren. In one text, Jeff wrote “I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.”

Vomit inducing sentiment aside, Jeff (and everyone else) seemed to be obsessed with Lauren’s energy. Many women who are alive do have energy. It’s a huge reason why I don’t recommend dating the dead ones. But I guess Lauren just has something special that Jeffery couldn’t stay away from. He got divorced, Lauren got divorced, and the two began publicly dating.

Ever since the article ran, Lauren has cultivated a relationship with the paparazzi and tried to position herself amongst Hollywood elites as a fun time fashion girl. Her wedding featured a who’s who of problematic designers, like Dolce and Gabbana and Trump fave, Oscar de la Renta, and a who’s who of problematic guests, like the Kushners and the Kardashians.

Just look at Kim and Khloe on a water taxi. If you look closely, you can see that Khloe is taking a photo of herself while Kim poses like the photo is of her. To quote the only Kardashian not in attendance (Kourtney), “that’s embarrassing for your soul.”

And look at Leo refusing to show his face. It’s not Greta Thunberg won’t know it’s him underneath that hat…

I guess if I were Leo, I wouldn’t take that hat off either. No one should have been seen at this PR disaster wedding. It was so over the top at a time when 17 million Americans are about to lose their health care while the top 1% enjoy major tax breaks.

Now that the festivities have wrapped and the guests flew home on their private jets, we’re left only with the memories and the gossip. Yes, I’ve seen the blind item alleging that Sydney Sweeney and Karlie Kloss hooked up. I don’t know if Sydney has a gay bone in her body, but I do think her whole skeleton is made up of capitalist bones, so who knows. I also loved the rumor that Orlando Bloom was hitting on women by the pool while professional divorced dad Tom Brady swam laps.

I’m not sure if the wedding was the launching pad for her brand that Lauren wanted it to be, but at least she made it on Vogue?

Finally Time for my The Materialists Review

If you were going into this thinking it's a rom com, sister do I have news for you. Because this movie is a horror film.

Not since Paris Hilton's performance in the 2005 remake of House of Wax have I been so terrified in a theater. At one point, Chris Evans steps on a used condom (NOT HIS) in the rent controlled apartment he shares with two disgusting roommates and I said "if she picks this man, I will scream."

And scream I did because Dakota Johnson decided it was better to be poor and in love than it was to be married to Pedro Pascal in his $12 million Tribeca penthouse. That my friends is what we call a nightmare.

Chris’s character is a 37 year old unrepped actor who hasn’t changed at all in the five years since he and Dakota broke up. He hasn’t taken more responsibility for his life or his finances. He thinks he’s too good to do commercial work, but girl — you don’t even have a manager to book you on a commercial. Take the Macy’s ad and sell out like the rest of us!

In contrast, Pedro’s character is a wealthy guy from a good family who gets Dakota. Their characters have chemistry, they like each other, and they share the same worldview. There’s an understanding between them — he sees who she is as valuable, and she’s someone who desperately wants to be valued.

I am turning on the comments to everyone because I genuinely need to know who is Team Pedro, who is Team Chris, and who is Team She Should be Single.

While it’s not quite to Past Lives level, I do think the movie is a fascinating look at dating. Dakota’s character is a matchmaker in NYC, a job that Celine Song also used to have. According to matchmakers who worked at similar firms, the film’s depiction checks out. There are clients who ask to only be paired with white people, clients who refuse to date anyone over 27 (relatable kings!), and clients who are so set on checking all their boxes that they refuse to settle for anything less, even when those people are impossible to find.

The film is about understanding what you want from a relationship. And what Dakota decided she wanted was, to me, worse than watching Paris Hilton get stabbed with a pole by the creepy guy in the wax museum.

That’s all for this week. Enjoy your birthday, America. Sorry you’re in your flop era!

XOXO,

Emily